A Moron's Day Out
by Typical Revolutionary
Summary: A test subject has escaped! Wheatley is put in charge of her return, but to do so, he needs to become mobile. GLaDOS gives the little moron core an android body, but will he stay on task and bring the subject back or be absorbed by the humanistic society?


HELLO! Welcome to my Wheatley one-shot! This idea came to me when my friend told me she wanted to put Wheatley in an android body and "have fun" with him *shiver.* Anyway, Wheatley's appearance as a human is based off **forte-girl7** on deviantART. I saw her art on 4chan (DON'T JUDGE ME) and then looked her up. If you're reading this, forte, this is for you!

I'm sorry I'm breaking from my other android story, and my war yaoi, and I apologize T.T I had to write this.

P.S. In the club scene, the song I coordinated it to is Hey Baby by Pitbull. I suggest it during that scene.

***Disclaimer**: ValvE © All Portal Characters (Wheatley, GLaDOS); Wheatley human model © forte-girl7; Story © Me

**A Moron's Day Out**

The sun was just beginning to rise outside the Aperture Science facility and testing was in full swing, testers flying through GLaDOS's designed levels quickly and efficiently. The large AI was personally overviewing her subjects as they cleared through the laboratory with the great portal gun invention. Everything was running especially smooth and well-organized, making GLaDOS sing with satisfaction. No one was trying to kill her, and no one wanted her dead. However, there was one nagging tumor in her system.

"GLaDOS! Woo~hoo! It's me! Wheatley!" a small blue core called as he pulled into GLaDOS's chamber on his designated track. Agrivated, GLaDOS turned her yellow optic to the little blue dumbass that bothered her so often. '_No doubt here to tell me something idiotic again…_' she thought as she faced Wheatley.

"What is it now," she inquired in agitation, already having an urge to flood the facility with neurotoxin. Wheatley twisted back and forth on his pulley excitedly, laughing with ignorant giddy.

"I…I have an idea, GLaDOS," he chuckled, choking back giggles. "What if…Now stay with me! What if we put a test subject in a circular room and instruct him to sit in the corner? Eh? You like?" GLaDOS mentally face-palmed herself at the terrible cognition Wheatley was spouting. She pushed Wheatley out of the room and locked his entrance track, prohibiting him from entering. "Dumb fool," she muttered as she proceeded with her work.

A few hours later, GLaDOS was disturbed once again with a banging on Wheatley's locked porthole. "GLaDOS! LET ME IN! THERE'S A BIRD OUT HERE! HELP HELP!" the little moron was screaming, continuously ramming himself into the locked door. GLaDOS sighed exasperatedly and allowed Wheatley to enter, the blue core rushing in and slamming into GLaDOS's hub. She growled as her anger core began taking hold of her attitude, Wheatley huddled close to the AI, quivering as he stared off in the direction which he had come. A small pigeon perched itself on the catwalk above GLaDOS, cooing softly and then flying away. Wheatley sighed with relief, chuckling sheepishly.

"That was a close one, GLaDOS. He almost had me there," he thanked happily, casting a bright gaze at GLaDOS. The AI stared back coldly, both unmoving from the gaze. They held there for a long time in an awkward silence, Wheatley smiling goofily at GLaDOS.

After a few minutes, GLaDOS asked, "Do you need something or are you just going to remain there?" Wheatley came back from spacing out, laughing quietly.

"I…I have an idea. What if we put…a test subject…in a circular room…and we said…" Before he could finish, the large computer pushed Wheatley out through his port and sealed it off so he couldn't come back.

"I've had enough of this foolishness," she growled, returning angrily to work.

Afternoon approached quickly as testing began winding down for the subjects' lunch break. GLaDOS had a chance to keep to herself and manufacture some specialty turrets as well as file some papers. Yet again, the obnoxious banging at Wheatley's porthole began again, interrupting GLaDOS's work. She hissed and threw open the porthole screaming, "WHAT DO YOU WANT? You annoying little moron!" Wheatley cringed at GLaDOS's voice that struck fear in his heart. Sniffling, about to cry, Wheatley wheeled into the room.

"I-I just wanted *sniff* to tell you that a test subject is loose. Miss Kathryn Eriksonit. But *sniff* if you'd rather not know I can-"

"LOOSE, you say? But how?" GLaDOS interrupted, scrambling to check every security system, and thus she found one offline. Seething, she put the facility on lockdown. Then, an idea struck her.

"Wheatley," she said in a cool, collect voice. "I have a task for you. How would you like to fetch her?" Wheatley looked up at GLaDOS with a confused expression. How could a core head out into the world by himself? "I've been running some tests on a new android body designed to look like a human, and function like a human. Perhaps you can test it?"

"Absol-bloody-lutely, Miss GLaDOS!" he cheered, spinning in fast circles on his rotating axis. '_This is my chance to show GLaDOS how smart I am!_' '_Thank science, I can get him off my nerves_,' they both thought.

GLaDOS escorted Wheatley along his maintenance track and into a dimly lit room containing the silhouette of a human body. Once GLaDOS illuminated the room, the model became clear. Its artificial, light, brown hair was fashioned so majority fell to its left side, a set of glasses poised on his nose shielding its blue eyes. Its clothes consisted of a grey suit and dark grey ascot, a blue gem pinned in the center. The model's boots reached its knees, protecting its muscular-looking legs. GLaDOS prompted Wheatley into the core transfer station.

"Prop into there and we can begin," she instructed as Wheatley stuck himself into the transmitter eagerly. His glowing eye was fixated on his soon-to-be face, admiring his "Don Juan-esc" features, according to him.

"Will this hurt?" he asked as the process began with groans and hisses from the transmitter. "I…I don't want this to hurt. GLaDOS? Are you there? GLaDOS? I can't- AHHHHHHHHHHRRRGG!" With a sharp yell, a burst of steam erupted into the room, smoking the room completely. By the time the smoke cleared, the model was crouched with its head over its head, eyes closed tightly in fear. It was shaking and quivering, Wheatley's pathetic whimpering escaping its voice box.

"Stand up, you yellow coward," GLaDOS demanded impatiently. Wheatley opened his eyes and gasped, catching a glance of his human hands. He examined his entire body twice over, touching his smooth, artificial skin, limbs, and face.

"I'm…I'm…INCREDIBLE!" he exclaimed happily, jumping up and down all too excitedly. He whirled around the room, his hips moving from side to side, his body flowing in a dance. Then, a wire caught his boot and he toppled arse over kettle, causing him to slam into the paneling and lose his glasses. "Feck! That hurt. GLaDOS, you didn't tell me this had the capability to feel," Wheatley muttered as he dusted himself off and replaced his glasses.

"Did I fail to mention that? Oh, so sorry," the AI apologized with a hollow voice. A panel slid open in the wall just big enough for Wheatley to use as a door, and GLaDOS instructed, "Begin your mission and bring in the fugitive." Wheatley smiled absently and strutted out the door like a pompous fool, ready to face the world head on.

The doorway that GLaDOS had opened was through a dark hallway, leaving the poor little moron in the blackness for quite some time until he blindly ran into another door, smacking his face right against the wood painfully. "Owwwwchiieeeeee!" he cried, grabbing his nose as he whimpered. The door opened and a bright light shinned in, blinding Wheatley for a moment until he adjusted. The door had let Wheatley out just outside a dense city, cars rushing on the road near the exit. When the little bot stepped into the sunlight, the door slammed shut and refused to open again, no matter how much Wheatley tugged on its knob. "Well fine!" he growled, and then began his trek into the city. As Wheatley neared civilization, more and more people began appearing on the sidewalk, causing the robot to feel uneasy. '_What if they see through my ruse? Oh god! I want to go home!_' he thought, starting to whimper again. He quickly found a bench to relax on and collapsed, head in hands, with a heavy sigh. '_What if I can't finish this mission? GLaDOS will dismantle me_,' he thought, rubbing his face, already exhausted. When he looked up again, he jumped back, startled by the little girl that was now standing in front of him.

"Hi, mister. Why are you so sad?" she asked innocently, rocking back and forth on her feet. Wheatley warily stared at the girl, narrowing his eyes skeptically. How peculiar- a child comes up to Wheatley on a whim? A turret, no doubt.

"GLaDOS sent you, didn't she?" he growled, then stood up. "I know what you're up to! You won't see me fail! Just you wait!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, pointing a stern finger at the girl. People around the two began staring; Wheatley was causing a scene. He climbed up on the bench and laughed upward to the sky, then jumped over the back and scuttled away, leaving several people in a fog of uncertainty. '_She can't fool me!_' he thought proudly, walking with large, purposeful steps.

Wheatley rounded the corner and began taking in the sights, the tall buildings, the fashionable people, and the bulky, gas-guzzling automobiles. Society outside fascinated him to no end; everything was so…primitive. "No one uses portal guns? How strange," he muttered as he neared a scuzzy corner of town. The streets were lined with scantily clad women and decretive men, all laughing and touching each other sensually. Wheatley cringed as he passed one group of seven women and one man, all the women clinging to him.

"What on earth have I stumbled into?" the little British bot murmured in disgust as he admired a pornography advertisement. He nearly exploded in shock halfway through the ad when he learned what pornography _actually_ was. "Humans are pointless! Mad!" he cried, throwing his hands in the air, fed up with the inhabitants of society.

Wheatley was taking his task very seriously. He hadn't stopped for anything as he scrutinized the entire city, examining every crevice, every storefront, and every building in the area. The only clues he could find were a few tipsters who claimed they saw a girl in an orange jumpsuit and white boots at the café and in a book store. Wheatley had exhausted both points of interest, now becoming hopeless yet again. He found himself once more on a bench outside the café, slumped over in depression as night began creeping over the city. "I don't get it. She's vanished, evaporated, disintegrated. I might as well give up," he murmured exasperatedly, griping in defeat.

"Dude, are you going to the club tonight?" Wheatley overheard from two men engaged in conversation beside him. "There's this chick that works at the bar now. Her named is Kathryn Eriksonit. She's uber cool." Wheatley gasped and jumped to his feet, startling the gentlemen next to him.

"That's her!" Kathryn Eriksonit! What bar? Where?" he asked, bouncing up and down impatiently. Both men glanced at each other hesitantly; Wheatley was an oddball. They sensed he wasn't too bright, either.

"The Cataluña Club on West Ave. But it's packed. I'm sure you won't get in," he explained. Wheatley had already bolted after hearing the tidbit about the club, his boots clanking heavily as he ran down the street at full speed. Streetlights began to illuminate the night as the darkness set in, and night activity was beginning around the town. Wheatley certainly stood out in his grey suit, looking all too much like a business man. He paused and took notice to this after he had almost been mugged twice, but both times he escaped unharmed as he had defeated his assailants. Quickly, he thought of a solution and darted into an alley to alter his appearance. He ditched his grey jacket and kept his dress shirt, opening it just so to reveal his pectorals and rolled up his sleeves. He left his ascot undone under his shirt collar and let his glasses droop around the base of his nose. His eyes changed to a dangerous red, solidifying his sinister, yet attractive appearance.

"Oh, I'll get in for sure, mate. Don't you worry," he laughed confidently, striding toward the bouncer of the Cataluña Club. He halted Wheatley at the infamous red rope and asked, "Name?"

"It's Wheatley," the bot replied coolly, tossing his brown hair back. "I'm visiting America for a few days. Perhaps allow me in, mate?" he asked. The bouncer raised an inquisitive eyebrow and shrugged, then let Wheatley through. Once inside the lobby of the club, Wheatley sighed, his posture slipping back into his goofball self with relief. "What a ruddy relief," he breathed.

The music pounded against the floor-to-ceiling speakers, shaking the whole club to its foundations. People danced out on the center of the room amidst flashing and/or colorful lights, tightly packed like sardines. Wheatley's eyes scanned through momentarily, and then he found the bar at the back. Sure enough, there was the test subject dealing martinis and margaritas with her orange jumpsuit peeled down to her hips, wearing her white undershirt. Her blonde locks were tied back with the Aperture Laboratories official scrunchy, the accessory still bearing its logo.

"AHA! THERE YOU ARE!" Wheatley exclaimed in a furious tone, although it was drowned out by the music. As he began storming toward the bar, two women in insubstantial dresses approached him, each taking one of his arms and bringing him toward the dance floor, giggling to themselves. "NO! GODDAMNITFUCKSHITPISS NO!" he yelled, struggling to return to his mission.

"C'mon, sweetie, and dance with us!" one of them whined, stroking his thick arms. Wheatley growled as he was dragged toward the crowd and then grinded upon, sandwiched between the two women. His face turned flushed as they danced against him, Wheatley unsure of how to react to their humanistic interactions. He started to swivel his hips as well, dancing with the two floozies to appease them, and as he danced, he was sucked deeper and deeper into the music. He started losing control, beginning to move his android body in time with the music, which eventually evolved into a full movement of rotating hips and flocculating body. He couldn't stop; he was having fun.

Wheatley began intricate dance moves that almost had a swing sort of feel, steps that only professionals could do. He could break dance all too well, gliding across the floor as though it were made of glass. The crowd parted to watch Wheatley go at it, cheering him on as he smiled and as they say "got down." Wheatley was having fun; much more fun than he'd ever had as a little core in the Aperture Laboratories. Demanding all the attention, Wheatley began difficult flips and break-dancing freezes, only entertaining the crowd more.

"Bloody fantastic!" he howled happily, his eyes searching for a potential partner. He found the blonde from the bar, taking her hand and bringing her into the center with him. Together, they danced fluidly, suave and smooth, as if they had coordinated before. Wheatley completely forgot who the girl was, as in the fact she was a fugitive of Aperture, but he didn't care.

Wheatley spun the blonde in circles and dipped her, holding her firmly with one arm. "You're pretty good!" he complimented with a dimwitted smile. The blonde smiled as well.

"You two! What's your name?" she asked as she unwound from his arms and ground against him. Wheatley lifted his partner into the air and spun her, then set her down.

"Wheatley. My name is Wheatley," he replied as the song ended, the robot left gasping for breath as the crowd cheered. "Gee, Kathryn, you're good at dancing," he laughed, and then his mission was reminded in his little, idiotic cognition. Quickly, he grabbed Kathryn's wrist in an unbreakable grip and pulled her out of the crowd and out of the club as she tried to fight Wheatley.

"Let me go! What are you doing!" she yelled as Wheatley continued forward. The robot was bursting with pride. He caught her! He really caught her!

"Boy, GLaDOS will be glad to have you back!" he said smiling brightly. Kathryn's eyes became horror stricken and pained. She gasped as it occurred to her who Wheatley was, putting two and two together.

"Fuck…Wheatley? Really? She put you in a body?" she cried in disbelief, Wheatley nodding emphatically. "And it's bloody fantastic!" he finished with a howl of laughter. Kathryn dug her heels into the ground with her custom Aperture boots, refusing to continue any further on the journey back. Wheatley struggled to bring her back, eventually having to stop in order to collect his strength.

"Why don't you want to go back? GLaDOS is so nice. She houses you, feeds you, clothes you," he said, unable to calculate what Kathryn's problem was. She glared at Wheatley soundlessly, refusing to budge from where she stood.

"She's a monster. She kills her test subjects when she's finished with them. I want to live," she growled. Wheatley's mouth hung open in surprise. '_GLaDOS wouldn't do that…would she?_' he thought. He saw the livid tears begin rolling down Kathryn's face as she thought of her doom, and suddenly, he understood. Wheatley released his grip on Kathryn's wrist, eyes full of compassion, and turned his back.

"Gee, she's out of my sight. Perhaps she's getting away. I'd never know. Certainly not," he called loudly, hands on his hips as he admired a streetlamp. "She's probably miles by now." Kathryn picked up on Wheatley's ploy, and smiling, she turned to leave. But before she did so, she kissed the android's cheek, and scurried off into the night, leaving Wheatley enthralled in a streetlight. A smile crept over Wheatley's face, and he began the trek back to the laboratory whilst whistling to himself. '_I may be a moron, but at least I'm a moron with heart,_' he thought.

"You didn't find her," GLaDOS said in monotone as she stared down the android Wheatley. "Why aren't I surprised, Wheatley?" With a heavy sigh, the AI reviewed the reports Wheatley _did _bring, including possible whereabouts and information about human culture. They were somewhat useful to her. "Perhaps…You may…_keep_ the body for information retrieval. She has Aperture Science secrets. We'll have to track her. You'll be my eyes," GLaDOS sighed, filing away the reports. Wheatley's eyes lit up with joy at the proposal, and with a loud cheer, he exclaimed, "HURRAY! SCORE ONE FOR MORON!"

He scuttled out of GLaDOS's control room and ran around the facility happily. He grabbed a portal gun and began flying through one of the test rooms, enjoying the freedom of his new body. He miscalculated his landing and flew straight into a wall, breaking his glasses as he hit the panel. "Owwwwccccchhiiiieeeee," he cried, rubbing his face. GLaDOS sighed, mentally face-palming herself.

"Moron," she murmured.


End file.
